What did I write?!

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Its one thing to write thoughts in your own little corner of the internet. Three people read this and they are my besties and know everything about me anyway.

Its an entirely different thing to see your own words and photos shared with thousands of subscribers. Deep breaths….deep breaths….

I used to pride myself on having a really excellent memory. Ever since becoming a mom that has slowly faded. Too much on my mind I guess. So this morning when my article posted on Twin Cities Moms Blog I re-read it like, “what did I write?!” I remembered the theme but not the words.

In the end I am proud but that anxious and self-critical part of me cringes. What will the world think of me? I’ll probably spend much of the day eyeballing comments on the blog, and three social media platforms.

I’m embracing this new role and I am shining in knowing that someone is saying, “me too”. Here’s to coffee and Rescue Remedy to get me through the first day of being noticed.

Link to post: http://twincities.citymomsblog.com/knowns-unknowns-of-a-second-baby/

 

 

 

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Let’s Play

The Minnesota Children’s Museum had a drastic remodel. They’ve done a great job at press so its been shared a lot and I am not going to spend my time today on the details. However, if you are in the area you should definitely check it out.

I’m going to spend my time today on what I learned and what I hope to grow from my experience there.

This lesson came at exactly the right moment. I guess these children’s play experts really know what they are doing. My daughter was spending quite a bit of time at one specific exhibit. It wasn’t one that I really loved so I sat back against the wall impatiently waiting for her to get bored. I played on my phone while mild interest for something to do. About the time that I was going to suggest we move along, I saw a sign.

I saw a sign? Did this blog just go off the deep end? No, I literally saw a sign. chmn.PNGHere is what I love about this message. I was about to suggest to my daughter, who was independently playing with kids she didn’t know, that we go do something else. I’m not a parent who thinks that I need to be present and mindful every waking moment of my child’s life but at the same time stopping and looking for what she found interesting in this experience was powerful. What was she learning by moving boxes around? Look at my clingy girl playing with other kids and taking turns! Look at her deciding what she likes to do and doing it.

I could take a lot of time and digress into parenting guilt. The guilt of always telling our children to hurry up and herding them along to something else to do. People have covered this so I am not going to.

Here is what I learned from that sign at the children’s museum. We should all give ourselves grace to do what we like and to spend our time doing it. How often have I gotten up from reading a really good book because I should be doing something else? Or cut outdoor time short because I should be inside tackling the to-do list? Obviously things need to get done at some point and I would much rather read than do the laundry. But I think we too often judge ourselves for not being productive. What if we kept looking for the reasons why we are so into something? Maybe that lazy outdoor time is a mindfulness exercise? Maybe that book is a brain challenging activity? Maybe we just need something more in our lives than to-do lists?

Okay, maybe I am going off the deep end. We try to give grace to our children to play and learn and develop. We forget that we need to play and learn and develop. We can’t do that if we’re moving from one to-do list checkmark to the next.

So….let’s play.

 

 

 

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Exercise as Medicine

I started seriously running again. (If you call running 3 days in a row serious running. My intentions are long term so we’ll go with serious.)

I started again because it was just an easy way to workout. I don’t have to drive anywhere. I just throw on my shoes, put in my headphones and go. Its been awhile since my shoes have hit the pavement and its hard now to see why sometimes I think that its so hard to do.

I instantly feel more alive. I feel more like me again. Those endorphins, tho…After I broke my foot in March I fell into a huge funk. My therapist finally made me admit it was depression. She also convinced me to go in and up my medication dosage to help me deal while my foot was healing. I felt the medication kick in after a few weeks and it took the edge off the lows but I still didn’t feel like me. I kept telling myself that nice weather would help. Well, nice weather came and I still didn’t feel like me.

But running…running makes me feel like me. No other exercise allows me to just drown out everything. One foot in front of the other as meditation and therapy. I practice conversations, write emails and compose blog articles all while getting my exercise on. When the run is one my mind and body are tired but also peaceful.

I’m taking a class right now on physical activity. We just did a lesson on exercise as medicine and went through all the benefits of exercise physically and mentally. I feel it all. I wish that everyone could have a way to find this peace.

I know the hurdles to get out. That first time putting on your shoes and heading out the door with dread. This is going to hurt. Why am I doing this to myself? That all fades away and its peace. Exercise is my medicine.

 

 

 

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Wasted Time

I’ll preface all of this by saying that I understand that no time should be considered wasted time. Except for standing in line for service. That is definitely wasted time. However, I find myself considering how much I really wasted time pre-kid. Why did I think I was so busy?

Now I have to cram so much into so little time. There is the obvious stuff that I am not going to waste energy on – cooking, cleaning, etc. But I mean more like the luxurious stuff – the binging on Netflix kind of stuff. I remember when that kind of day would be considered a wasted day.

I was given an opportunity to have a Netflix (okay, Hulu but that doesn’t sound as good here) and chill night tonight. I’m in NYC for work and had planned to go see an art installation when my conference session was over. As soon as we were wrapping up it started pouring outside. It didn’t let up and I wasn’t in the mood to get wet. After a little bit of mourning I decided to embrace it. I ordered room service, pulled up my Hulu account and binged on “The Handmaid’s Tail.”

Its relaxing and freeing. I don’t have anything to worry about. And yet, about every 10 minutes or so, my mind kind of freaks out. “You should be….” What? I should be doing what exactly? Its hard to stop the mind when it is in a habit of thinking of the exact next thing you need to be doing.

There is no real moral to what I am writing. I’m just trying to quiet the mind and the heart. I am not wasting time tonight. I am enjoying a freedom that is few and far between.

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Imposter…

In three days I have a deadline for my first article for Twin Cities Moms Blog. I’ve written and re-written articles in fear that they are not good enough. I feel like an imposter. Like what I have to share really isn’t all that valuable to anyone.

I had brunch with friends on Sunday morning. We commiserated about life; children not sleeping, children not listening, daycare, etc. I realized that we were helping each other by listening and nodding and acknowledging. While we tried offering advice it was probably more useful that we just acknowledged the emotions of the situation and that we had been in similar ones too. It feels good to know that you are not alone. It feels good to know that people you love and respect have gotten through it.

You can’t be an imposter in your own life and experience. I guess that is the important thing to remember here. Sharing my experience is real and real experiences are what matter.headinhand

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I’m blogging. I’m really blogging.

The inaugural post. I feel like I should have something profound to say. I don’t.

This is a step I’ve wanted to take for a long time. Words have floated through my mind day after day without a place to go. I’m so caught up in my own perfection that I was afraid to go here. I had to be perfect to start a blog. Why would anyone want to read what I am thinking? What if I make a fool of myself by spelling something wrong or using incorrect grammar?IMG_8102

So here goes nothing. I’m taking the step. I’m not perfect. I may make mistakes. That is okay. This is a work of love. A creative outlet. A growth opportunity. I don’t have to be perfect.

The thing is, my  story isn’t terribly unique. I don’t know if what I have to say is necessarily worth sharing. I guess I just want people to feel like someone else is experiencing what they are experiencing. That you read my posts, nod your head and say, “Me too!”

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